The Wheelie-Bin Doctors

DOING A DENTIST

You know, My Black Cat, The Witch Doctor remembers well the time most dentists came out of the NHS. It was a scenario carefully orchestrated by the government, and The Witch Doctor is of the opinion that it all went according to “The Big Government Plan” at the time.

Toothache, so what!

(Have you ever had toothache?)

Fillings, so what!

Orthodontics, so what!

DOING A DENTIST

“Doing a Dentist” would not lead to increased patient mortality.

Would it?

Or if it did, it would not be easily apparent to the punters (patients and clients) that the lack of dental facilities was to blame.

Now we see huge queues when a new dentist, who is prepared to do NHS work, opens.

And dentists are flown in from Poland on occasion to “fill the gap.”

Mark you, some say the dentists did OK out of it, because the marketplace dictated a demand for dentists.

Beautiful teeth are a cosmetic blessing.

(And toothache is a terrible thing).

Greedy dentists!

Anyway, that’s all in the past, the medical establishment didn’t take too much interest then. Doctors were different. Patients die without doctors. This could never happen to GP’s.

Really?

Another huge tidal wave of “The Big Government Plan” is about to engulf the GPs.

More difficult for the government this time, though. This is not about toothache, fillings, and orthodontics. Without doctors, patients will die and this will be apparent to all. Big court cases. So there has to be a fallback position.

The fallback position is an excellent one.

THE FALL-BACK POSITION

It will boost the economy – our economy, and the US economy.

So that makes it altruistic.

The punters’ (patients and clients) taxes will be diverted into multi-national companies who will provide health care.

Free health care – now, but not always.

The multi-national healthcare companies will want a ROTUND clientele but a LEAN workforce.

That’s why we’re all hearing about Toyota-style LEAN-NESS.

Better health care.

Better health care – because the patients will be seen in interior designed surroundings with fresh flowers, well nourished pot plants, and music in the toilets. Local artists will be encouraged to display their original paintings on the walls. No tacky prints here!

Staff will all have excellent communication skills. They will smile a stage smile and will never forget to remind you to “have a nice day” – or the up-market London equivalent, or the up-market Yorkshire equivalent, or the up-market Liverpool equivalent. Staff will not chew gum. This is because they are following the “smile” and the “nice day” protocol. This protocol does not allow chewing gum. They hold certificates for these protocols. The certificates will be proudly and elegantly framed and hung on the wall. These “Competent Clinical Decision Makers”*** who are not doctors will have many certificates displayed on the wall of their rooms: for they will have sat lots of little tests for lots of little skills. And passed them all. The degree in handwashing. The certificate of “niceness.” The “empathy” diploma. The punters (patients and clients) will be impressed.

BETTER, LOVING, HEALTH CARE

The more gregarious doctors might have one or two certificates on the walls. The little unimpressive one that says “MB ChB” will go un-noticed by the punters (patients and clients). The more reticent doctors will keep their unimpressive certificates somewhere in a suitcase in the attic. This is just as well, because soon there will be no wall available for doctors’ certificates because there will be no doctor’s rooms. Doctors will become the “Wheelie-Bins” of the new NHS. Wheeled into the elegant rooms of “The Competent Clinical Decision Makers” when the diagnosis and treatment is forming the shape of a pear. The doctors will do salaried part time work on a sessional basis. There will be many young women doctors working two, three or four sessions per week. With some exceptions, these women doctors will be more malleable than the full-time men. They will be wheeled about from branch to branch of the big multi-nationals to cover sick leave and maternity leave. These “Wheelie-Bin Doctors” will not know their patients from Adam. But the “punters” (clients) won’t care. Some other “punters” (patients) will.

A GP’S OFFICE IN THE NEW GLOBAL NHS

That’s the way it will be.

Won’t it, My Black Cat?

“The Competent Clinical Decision Maker” is coming of age.

***N.B. The term “The Competent Clinical Decision Maker” was first noticed by The Witch Doctor in October 2007.

You think it was a term introduced by the government?

Wrong!

By the National Practitioners?

Wrong!

By the nurses?

Wrong!

By the pharmacists?

Wrong!

By Skills for Health”

Wrong!

It was introduced by The Royal College of Physicians in London in October 2007.

“ACUTE MEDICAL CARE – THE RIGHT PERSON, IN THE RIGHT SETTING – FIRST TIME”
Report of the Acute Medicine Task Force
October 2007

Yes, the term “Competent Clinical Decision Maker” was introduced by doctors – senior doctors, although the term seems to originate from Iran.

Introduced by senior physicians working under the aegis of The Royal College of Physicians in London, at a time the country was on the brink of massive unemployment of junior doctors.

Now there’s a thing to chew over.

Eh, My Black Cat?

 

 

a red apple ……………………

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