Posted by: Witch Doctor | February 15, 2008

A fuming, smoking witch



True story. It really happened today.

Sophie phoned.

Who is Sophie?

“It’s nothing to worry about……… I’m from “The Surgery”

What surgery? asked The Witch Doctor (wondering if it was to discuss a patient).

“Dr X’s surgery – your GP’s practice.”

“It’s nothing to worry about…….”

It’s nothing to worry about…….. Twice.

Now a worried witch. What’s happened? Who’s dead? Had someone in my family been killed in a car crash and the only information they had on their possession was the GP ‘s phone number.

Slight palpitations.

I knew it was nothing to do with my own health, because, as outlined in a previous posting, The Witch Doctor only attends the GP’s surgery about twice a century.

So, matters concerning The Witch Doctor’s health are largely known only to The Witch Doctor.

Who is The Witch Doctor’s GP, anyway?

“Sorry to bother you. We are just updating our records.”




“Do you smoke?”

I’m not telling you.

“Silence” then “OK”

You are following a government dictat that I don’t approve of. I know, I know, its something that has to be done nowadays. But since I don’t approve of the dictat, I’m not participating. I’m not telling you if I smoke or not. You’ll have to guess. (Spoken a bit more pleasantly than that. I think. I hope.)

“That’s all right then.”

Sophie was very nice and friendly. I wondered if she was going to ask me anything else. How many chocolates I ate, how much fruit, how much exercise. The answer would have been the same. I wonder if I had told her if she would have invited me to attend for an MOT.

The Witch Doctor’s body like an old 1920’s automobile that just keeps spluttering on without an MOT.

But unlike the old car, the Witch Doctor at the moment is allowed out of the garage.

Soon it will be illegal to have a body without an MOT certificate.



N.B. The Witch Doctor once smoked half a cigarette. It was carefully cut down the middle with a sharp knife, and shared with a friend. It was turquoise in colour and it came from the USA. American designer cigarettes. We could have chosen red, yellow, blue, pink, purple or green. We chose the turquoise one. The only turquise one. We stole it from a packet in a drawer in the middle of the night. The theft was well planned. We went up into the attic at 2.00am to smoke it and we opened a window so the smell of smoke did not linger. To this day no-one knows about the vanishing turquoise cigarette. Who would ever have thought the revelation would take place on something called the INTERNET on a BLOG all these year later?

Just because The Pied Piper job-share and the The Great NHS Plan get under The Witch Doctor’s skin so much.

So, The Witch Doctor is a smoker.

But The Witch Doctor has never smoked another cigarette, cigar, pipe, shiroot, of any colour, size or shape since.

Never ever.

Since the age of ten.

(Sophie probably assumes The Witch Doctor is a smoker since The Witch Doctor won’t tell. Wonder which box Sophie ticked?)

P.S. The Witch Doctor is such a cow! A contrary cow! An easily irritated cow.

Maybe today I’ll have another demi-cigarette! The second.

A purple one!

redapple.jpg a red apple ……………………

The Witch Doctor – Link to a random page





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  1. ” “Do you smoke?”

    I’m not telling you.”

    Typical witchy thing …

    I remember Dr Grumble once posted about smoking too, not confirming or denying if he smoked, but when I asked what cigarettes ‘he’ smoked, he never replied!

    Are you all telling us …. that all witches never smoked, smoke, will smoke?

    Where do rainbows come from then?! … It must be all the black cats of our world …

  2. Hi Sam,

    We witches generally never smoke because we have to keep functioning well for many milleniums and cigarettes may curtail this somewhat.

    However, we are driven by contrariness, and consequently, we sometimes do the opposite of what is sensible if we feel we are being dictated to. Foolish perhaps, I know, but there is probably some kind of evolutionary advantage to this trait, but who knows what it is!

    Black cats are even more contrary.

    Don’t worry about rainbows, we’ll look after them for you.

  3. I do like rainbows myself sometimes witch doctor. How boring would life be if we are sensible all the time anyway? But, let’s put it this way … should I ever need a witch and I might do soon if I keep on following rainbows, I hope my witch will be like you; with milleniums of expertise and knowledge and hopefully, just as nice and just as kind too .. a proper witch who I know will never turn into a commodity …. 🙂

  4. […] Think back to the time The Witch Doctor received The Routine Smoking Phone Call….. […]

  5. […] next thing is – we’ll get Sophie from the practice phoning us up annually to tick the chocolate eating questionnaire to return to the […]

  6. […] as she regards this sort of thing as an intrusion […]

  7. […] What do you suppose The Witch Doctor will tell Sophie? […]

  8. […] Dr Jewell, you will become aware that this witch does not smoke, and has never smoked, except for one small lapse that lasted about two […]

  9. […] as she regards this sort of thing as an intrusion […]

  10. […] as she regards this sort of thing as an intrusion […]

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