Posted by: Witch Doctor | December 13, 2008

Smoking witches


If you ever see a witch smoking a cigarette, a cigar, a pipe, a hookah, or any other contraption, you can be pretty sure that witch is an imposter.


Because 99% of witches DO NOT SMOKE.

Why not?

Because we witches regard our bodies as a gift. We treat them with the utmost respect. We do not want to shorten our long lives. We do not want to attend doctors to be prescribed a plethora of tablets and bottles and inhalers so we can keep our show on the road. Furthermore, we witches DON’T DO DOCTORS. Even The witches among us who are doctors DON’T DO DOCTORS.

But there are other reasons why we witches don’t smoke.

In order to start a habit that common sense dictated must be physiologically damaging long before the days of Sir Richard Doll’s epidemiological studies, it is necessary to be susceptible to creep. Peer pressure involves creep. Powerful advertising involves creep.

We witches DON’T DO CREEP. We just don’t do it. Ever. Only The Human Kind do creep.


Apparently Barack Obama is or was a smoker.

This means he is not a witch.

However, The White House which he will soon inhabit is a smoke free zone.

Apparently The New President will not smoke within The White House.

This is as well, because renaming it “The Dirty Yellow Ochre House” would go down like a ton of bricks in the USA.

Also, The Witch Doctor has heard a rumour that the recession caused by those we trusted with our savings but who then recklessly gambled them, will lead to profits for tobacco companies. Apparently The Human Kind smoke more during a recession.

We witches will not be buying shares in tobacco companies to make a quick buck.

We think it is unprofessional.

We put our professionalism before money.

We think that is one of the defining attributes of professionalism.

But what about the 1% of witches who DO smoke?

Are they unprofessional?

Well, the medical profession and the government have driven them to it.

Think back to the time The Witch Doctor received The Routine Smoking Phone Call…..

What did she do?

She became belligerent.

She wouldn’t answer the question.

Was that being unprofessional?

On the other hand, instead of being belligerent, she could have lied. She could have coughed and wheezed and said she smoked 200 fags a day – a chain smoker.

She could have given the wrong answer.

Would it have been unprofessional to lie?

So why are we so contrary, we witches?

Because we hate being controlled by the government of the day even on the pretext “its for our own good.” We know exactly what is for our own good more than any government. We don’t agree with practice managers phoning us up to ask us if we smoke. We don’t want to be part of the box ticking phenomenon. So some of us are belligerent and others of us lie.

That is the way we make our statement about something we feel strongly about.

But 1% of witches, the thrawn ones, make a statement in their own way.

They start smoking.

They sacrifice their health just to scupper the intrusive, controlling tick box phenomenon. They do the opposite of what the government wants them to do.

Stupid witches!

The question is:

Are belligerent, lying, smoking witches unprofessional, when they perceive their belligerence, lies and tobacco consumption to be all part of an important cause they believe in?

The cause of freedom.

The Witch Doctor acknowledges this is a bizarre post, but it may lead somewhere.

On the other hand, it may not.

We’ll see, won’t we My Black Cat…….

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  1. So its snowing on your blog!

    Dr Allinson struck off by the GMC for writing a pamphlet stating that ciggies were a risk to health. After the Doll study the GMC never did apologise. He remained struck off but set up Allinson’s bread which as you know is still running.


    • My sister advised me to write him and i was so amazingly shocked to see all my problems fly away after explaining my problems to him details. Out of experience i can assure no matter how difficult your problem may be he will give you the solution within a short period of time. this is the email with which i contacted him: im happy because my life is well now.

  2. […] The next thing is – we’ll get Sophie from the practice phoning us up annually to tick the chocolate eating questionnaire to return to the government’s data-mines. […]

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