Posted by: Witch Doctor | December 17, 2008

My Black Cat’s Christmas Spell



Huh, you’re going to train The Human Kind how to do their own Christmas Spell, My Black Cat?

Is that wise?

You made a real mess of The Advent Spell for Gordon Brown last year. Look what’s happened to our currency, our banks, and our houses. And our pensions. Yes, My Black Cat, what about our pensions?

Was that anything to do with you?

Hmm… You wondered about that!

It is very dangerous to play about with The Book of Spells, My Black Cat.

You better let me try it out first to see if it’s safe.



Things to measure other things with.

Things to put the things in after you’ve measured them.

A small cauldron or a big pot.

A long handled wooden spoon.

A greased square baking tray with edges high enough to prevent the spell overflowing.

A knife.

Some cellophane bags and very fancy ribbons with Black Cats wearing their Christmas hats printed all over them.


A kindled fire with red hot embers.


1/4 lb butter

1 cup water

2 lbs white sugar

1 tin Fussel’s condensed milk They’ll have a hard time finding Fussels condensed milk nowadays, My Black Cat. Companies have been buying each other over and nobody knows who’s who nowadays when it comes to condensed milk. They’ll need to use Carnation Light Condensed milk. The witless ones will use Carnation Evaporated milk of course and it won’t work.

Vanilla pod You only find vanilla pods in spell pantries, My Black Cat. A vanilla pod indicates the user is a witch. Just get The Humankind to add vanilla essence.


Put butter and water in the pan and melt.

Add sugar then condensed milk.

Bring to the boil, stirring all the time. (You will have to emphasise the stirring more than this, My Black Cat. They must stir and stir without ceasing, not even for a moment. For half an hour if necessary. Round and round chanting in the spell all the time as the liquid bubbles. The Humankind are too impatient to do this. It won’t work.)

When getting sugary stir in vanilla pod vanilla essence and then remove.

Pour into greased tin.

Mark into pieces and cut before cold.

My Black Cat, this will not work – it is a spell – not a protocol. It takes years of experience to do properly. The red bits are where I’ve edited it for you.

You want to know what spell they should chant when they stir and stir and stir?

I can’t tell you that. It would be a serious breach of confidentiality. The GWC would have a field day. The Witch Doctor would get suspended or even sacked for a breach like that . The Humankind will just need to make up their own chant as they stir and see if it works. That’s why this is so dangerous.

We haven’t told them what they will be brewing in the cauldron?

Neither we have.


Good old fashioned Tablet.

But The Humankind will make a mess of this without years of experience. They’ll want a thermometer or something. We witches don’t use thermometers. We can tell by the colour and the texture – this takes milleniums of experience to do, of course.

The Humankind’s Tablet will turn out to be Toffee or Fudge because of impatience with the stirring. And it will be too pale in colour.

And then they’ll blame you, My Black Cat.

Wait and see……

PS Sam will try this. Then she’ll eat it all and she’ll not get into her red party dress, and you’ll get blamed for that too!

redapple.jpg a red apple ……………………

The Witch Doctor – Link to a random page






  1. Yum. Whatever that cat is on, I want it.

    By the way, how did you get the snow flakes to be larger blobby things. Ours are quite faint hence we had to go purple!

    So what other foody goodies have you got in your pantry WD.


    PS That cat is too fat these days.

  2. The Snow is a spell. Takes many moons to learn to do properly.

    The really challenging thing about this kind of magic is to stop it snowing before 12th night.

    On the other hand maybe Blogger is trying to mimic the geniuses at WordPress – they youngsters at really are geniuses, you know. It’s hard to keep up with them.

    My Black Cat is getting fat right enough. No more food for her this year.

  3. Wizard has not assisted me in large snow flakes. He says that I should be independent and learn it myself. Humpf. Keep telling you, no heroes around here.

    Black Cat is supposed to be a “HE” :). Mind you witches can change the sex of their cat I assume.

    Cats are meant to be fat. Thats why they are called Fat Cats. Besides, Black Cat is simply growing a little. I think this Cats staple diet is mice. Do you have mice over there? Lots of rodents at the Department of Health. Black Cat would be really fat after a prowling session at DOH Towers.

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