Posted by: Witch Doctor | January 13, 2010

Chips with chocolate


As an act of rebellion, tonight The Witch Doctor had a big dinner plate of chips cooked in dripping and sprinkled with a huge bar of grated Cadbury’s melting milk chocolate.

And a big mug of tea with milk and 4 spoonfuls of sugar. Ugh – The Witch Doctor hates tea with sugar!

All because of THIS

Let’s talk about fruit and vegetables.

Over the years, The Witch Doctor has come across patients at her clinic who have never tasted a cherry, not a single one. Others wouldn’t know a gooseberry if they saw one. Many have never eaten peas shelled straight from the garden. Children nowadays think strawberries are a crunchy and tasteless fruit to be avoided at all costs and that pears and turnips come from the same family.

Almost no young person who has ever attended my clinic has tasted a Black Hamburg grape with stones. It is just as well, because they wouldn’t know what to do with the stones – because all the grapes they have ever tasted are cloned seedless. Yet they have never tasted the wonderful old sweet seedless sultana grapes.

And plums. Where are the dark skinned sweet juicy Santa Rosa plums? They have been replaced with horrible hard atrocities that are only fit for stewing. And what about the sweet, juicy seasonal Victoria plums that grow so well in the UK? Most youngsters have never tasted them.

Apples? How many youngsters know the UK is an excellent apple growing country and could have thousands of varieties to choose from (although probably many are now extinct.)

Ayrshire potatoes? You can barely find them even in Ayrshire. They are called “Ayrshires” of course. They are not. A true Ayrshire potato has to be grown in sandy soil that is fertilised with two different types of seaweed at particular times of the year. Pembroke’s and Jersey Royals are the nearest but are not a patch on the real Ayrshire potato properly grown.

No young people today have ever had the pleasure of eating a plate of Ayrshire potatoes smothered in butter. Yes, butter – the nasty stuff!

It makes me weep!

Ladies and Gentlemen who are trying to change the eating habits of our children, please listen to this witch.

You are getting it wrong!


Instead of poking your nose into school children’s packed lunches and giving them hang-ups that their parents are not feeding them properly, why don’t you tackle the supermarkets and tell them to sell local produce when in season. Then there might be some kind of incentive for local farmers to grow decent fruit and vegetables.

There are many reasons why parents may not feed their children properly. Some of them are very complex.

Why don’t you ensure that every school has a garden and the children are taught about fruit and vegetable growing every year. Let them take their fresh produce home for a good meal at night. It would be a superb investment. Gardening is an experience that will last a lifetime. It also makes many people happy and can help them through difficult times in their lives. It’ll probably keep the young tearaways out of trouble too!

And the exercise will keep them fit and slim.

In fact, why don’t all you busy-bodies get out your wellies and spades and volunteer as gardening supervisors at your local school!

If The Witch Doctor is an expert in anything it is in fruit and vegetables. She might even be a world authority! She is not a vegetarian but she eats more raw fruit than anyone she has ever met. She always has and she always will. In fact she has many stories she could tell you about fruit and vegetables. Perhaps some day she will.

What she would never do, however, is comment on the contents of a child’s lunch box unless she was specifically asked by a parent to do so. She would regard it as an intrusion into the life of a family.

Just as she regards this sort of thing as an intrusion also.

We witches are very contrary beings!

If you poke your nose into any lunch box belonging to A Witch Child, something with many legs and teeth will jump out and bite it off and then then crawl all over you!

redapple.jpg a red apple ……………………

The Witch Doctor – Link to a random page





© Dlundin |


  1. Apropos NHS privatisation somebody has written on the Grumble blog “Cui bono?” It’s the key question to all of these things. The changes in our society are being manipulated by those who stand to benefit from the change. Potatoes are as cheap as chips – OK cheaper than chips. There is little money to be made from marketing spuds. But slice them fine, fry them a bit and add some salt and you’re onto a winner. Like it or not we all respond to advertising and follow the herd – especially children. The result is unhealthy eating and ever increasing numbers of ridiculously fat people. The people themselves are blamed but it is the environment that they have been put in that is the real cause.

    I used to have a lab alongside Nancy Rothwell – now Dame Nancy. At the time she was working on rats. She needed to make them fat. She did it by offering them food from the hospital cafeteria. If you offer humans the same cafeteria food on the cheap many of them will do what the rats do and just eat it. Food is now everywhere – cheap and ready to eat. Our poor diet stems from an environmental problem and until we realise that we are not going to be able to find a solution.

  2. Yet again I curse myself for discarding the worksheet my oldest child was given by health workers 10 years ago at primary school in Manchester RECOMMENDING crisps as a good snack for home or lunchbox – they were worried about high rates of dental decay. The youngest is now at a primary with a healthy food badge or suchlike & they get (& she eats) free fruit & veg everyday at break. But I am infuriated by these lunch police sticking their noses in kids’ dinners. Also please Dr Witch, can you advise if leader of the lunch study Dr Evans is exceeding her daily quota of alcohol units in this picture on Leeds Uni’s website, not to mention setting a bad example? ? Maybe it’s elderflower champagne.

  3. I remember those black grapes with the pips in them; made them more fun as me and my sisters spat them at each other. It would probably be against elf and safety now. I also remember when that horrible iceberg lettuce hadn’t taken over the entire world and you could get ones with fresh floppy leaves.
    As for chips with chocolate, well you should come to Coatbridge, the home of the deep fried Mars Bar. You can now also pick from Crunchies and Bounties (although I don’t think they include the wee cardboard tray that you used to get with the Bounty).
    Feeling hungry now..

  4. Dr G, the anonymous commenter in you recent post, 12 Jan 23.07 seems to be hitting the nail on the head with the questions being asked. He/she seems to be very well aware of “Third Way” politics.

    Very interesting political website he/she links to:

  5. In my corner of the world, it is forbidden if you are an NHS employee to drink alcohol on the premises at all unless it is at a function that has been approved of by senior management, so elderflower wine it would need to be. However, if you are a University employee you can walk along the road at lunchtime and have a tipple “legally” although I’m not sure what would happen to you if you were caught wandering back into an NHS site to do an afternoon’s work. Suspension, probably.

    In my book there’s nothing wrong with eating crisps, deep Fried Mars Bars / Crunchies / Bounties etc etc. It’s how much and how often that is the issue. Deep fried elderflowers in batter and sprinkled with castor sugar with cream poured over are quite nice too and probably count towards the daily quota of fruit/veg!

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