Posted by: Witch Doctor | February 23, 2013

Scabby old horseburgers


They may well be feeding disgusting burgers to children in Scottish schools.

Horse meat has been found in a burger intended for school dinners. No doubt that will disgust most Scots children and their parents. They are used to seeing cows and sheep in fields for slaughter, but not horses. Last Sunday on the Andrew Marr show a famous lawyer (Baroness Helena Kennedy), born in the land of the Oldest Sage Witch’s Highland Granny, muttered that one of the problems with horse meat being discovered in cheap meat containing prodcuts was that it came from “scabby old horses.” HK must have eaten a horse or two that was neither scabby nor old in the past because she says it tastes delicious – rather like prosciutto. Does she really want to have them breed foals in the land of her birth only to slaughter them when they are so young and beautiful? That will go down like a ton of bricks in Dame Helena’s homeland! Won’t it My Black Cat!?

Anyway, it is a fact of life that The Witch Doctor would not dream of eating a burger unless it was home made. She fears cheap meatburgers could easily become the repository of parts of animals (including horses), that we witches would find so unsavoury that even thinking about these things would make us vomit.

However, disregarding horse meat, why are our schools feeding cheap burgers to children?

After all, they are again targeting school children’s unhealthy packed lunches that contain neither horse meat nor the unmentionables that would make a witch vomit.

This annoyed the Witch Doctor in Jan 2010.  This is what she said then. Her opinion has not changed much.



As an act of rebellion, tonight The Witch Doctor had a big dinner plate of chips cooked in dripping and sprinkled with a huge bar of grated Cadbury’s melting milk chocolate.

And a big mug of tea with milk and 4 spoonfuls of sugar. Ugh – The Witch Doctor hates tea with sugar!

All because of THIS

Let’s talk about fruit and vegetables.

Over the years, The Witch Doctor has come across patients at her clinic who have never tasted a cherry, not a single one. Others wouldn’t know a gooseberry if they saw one. Many have never eaten peas shelled straight from the garden. Children nowadays think strawberries are a crunchy and tasteless fruit to be avoided at all costs and that pears and turnips come from the same family.

Almost no young person who has ever attended my clinic has tasted a Black Hamburg grape with stones. It is just as well, because they wouldn’t know what to do with the stones – because all the grapes they have ever tasted are cloned seedless. Yet they have never tasted the wonderful old sweet seedless sultana grapes.

And plums. Where are the dark skinned sweet juicy Santa Rosa plums? They have been replaced with horrible hard atrocities that are only fit for stewing. And what about the sweet, juicy seasonal Victoria plums that grow so well in the UK? Most youngsters have never tasted them.

Apples? How many youngsters know the UK is an excellent apple growing country and could have thousands of varieties to choose from (although probably many are now extinct.)

Ayrshire potatoes? You can barely find them even in Ayrshire. They are called “Ayrshires” of course. They are not. A true Ayrshire potato has to be grown in sandy soil that is fertilised with two different types of seaweed at particular times of the year. Pembroke’s and Jersey Royals are the nearest but are not a patch on the real Ayrshire potato properly grown.

No young people today have ever had the pleasure of eating a plate of Ayrshire potatoes smothered in butter. Yes, butter – the nasty stuff!

It makes me weep!

Ladies and Gentlemen who are trying to change the eating habits of our children, please listen to this witch.

You are getting it wrong!


Instead of poking your nose into school children’s packed lunches and giving them hang-ups that their parents are not feeding them properly, why don’t you tackle the supermarkets and tell them to sell local produce when in season. Then there might be some kind of incentive for local farmers to grow decent fruit and vegetables.

There are many reasons why parents may not feed their children properly. Some of them are very complex.

Why don’t you ensure that every school has a garden and the children are taught about fruit and vegetable growing every year. Let them take their fresh produce home for a good meal at night. It would be a superb investment. Gardening is an experience that will last a lifetime. It also makes many people happy and can help them through difficult times in their lives. It’ll probably keep the young tearaways out of trouble too!

And the exercise will keep them fit and slim.

In fact, why don’t all you busy-bodies get out your wellies and spades and volunteer as gardening supervisors at your local school!

If The Witch Doctor is an expert in anything it is in fruit and vegetables. She might even be a world authority! She is not a vegetarian but she eats more raw fruit than anyone she has ever met. She always has and she always will. In fact she has many stories she could tell you about fruit and vegetables. Perhaps some day she will.

What she would never do, however, is comment on the contents of a child’s lunch box unless she was specifically asked by a parent to do so. She would regard it as an intrusion into the life of a family.

Just as she regards this sort of thing as an intrusion also.

We witches are very contrary beings!

If you poke your nose into any lunch box belonging to A Witch Child, something with many legs and teeth will jump out and bite it off and then then crawl all over you!

redapple.jpg a red apple ……………………

The Witch Doctor – Link to a random page





© Dlundin |


  1. Ah, that was our local authority (North Lanarkshire Council) responsible for that. I’ve never been a fan of burgers myself,- I think what put me off was my time at college, when in the morning you passed the canteen and took in the smell of cooking half frozen burgers. They smelled like offal and awful as well. But they shouldn’t be sticking stuff like this in burgers just the same.

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